In a recent episode of Michelle Obama’s podcast, former President Barack Obama made a powerful observation:
“If you’re not thinking about what’s happening to boys and how they’re being raised, that can actually hurt women.”
Working with highly successful, top-performing men as an executive coach and clinical psychologist has given me the privilege of seeing behind the curtain. For decades, we have worked on improving their romantic relationships, decisions about commitment, how to be a good husband, how to be the ideal father, and how these behaviors can bring meaning and satisfaction to their lives. And I think most of us have many misconceptions about the internal experiences of men, even outwardly successful and satisfied men, that were shaped by their childhoods, parents, and how society has been structured. I’ve been very ambivalent about acknowledging this, much less sharing it broadly, as men have historically and currently received more benefits than any other class. And surely every other group (which also concerns me) has suffered more and needs society to change. We don’t benefit anyone by ignoring the evidence about boys and men, which, if addressed, can help us all.
We talk often (and rightly so) about the needs of girls and women. But in doing so, we’ve sometimes overlooked the quiet crisis facing boys.
Boys Are Struggling: And It Shows Up Later
Many of the adult men I work with are high performers. They’re intelligent, driven, and successful by most external standards. But scratch the surface, and a familiar pattern emerges:
- Emotional suppression
- Difficulty with vulnerability
- Shame around needs or failure
- Struggles with connection to self and others
These traits didn’t appear out of nowhere. They were shaped by a culture that still quietly reinforces outdated messages:
“Boys don’t cry.”
“Man up.”
“Tough it out.”
When those messages are internalized, they lead to more than inner turmoil. They contribute to:
- Higher suicide rates among men
- Increased loneliness and social isolation
- Susceptibility to toxic ideologies that offer a sense of power and belonging
- Difficulty forming healthy relationships
What Happens When Boys Don’t Feel Seen
When boys grow up feeling emotionally dismissed, they often enter adulthood without the tools to identify and manage their emotions.
In therapy, this can show up as:
- Control issues in relationships
- Explosive anger that masks hurt or fear
- Deep-seated insecurity despite high achievement
And in the world? It shows up in troubling headlines, political division, and broken relationships.
That’s why I felt it was important to contribute to this conversation publicly. I was asked by Newsweek to address President Obama’s comments on the crisis facing young men. The piece explores the deeper implications of how we raise boys, and what happens when emotional development is neglected.
You can read the full article on Newsweek here.
The Real Work: Listening and Teaching Emotional Skills
The solution isn’t just telling boys to “be better.”
It’s listening to them, not to correct, but to understand.
It’s modeling emotional fluency, not just demanding emotional control.
It’s teaching what strength and courage really are, healthy boundaries, resilience, and values from the start.
This isn’t about making boys “less masculine.” It’s about expanding the definition of masculinity to include responsibility, emotional intelligence, empathy, and vulnerability.
Where We Go From Here
The truth is, ignoring boys’ emotional development doesn’t just hurt boys. It hurts all of us. Emotionally disconnected boys grow into men who struggle in relationships, leadership roles, and society.
If we want healthier families, workplaces, and communities, we need to start earlier. We need to stop assuming boys are “fine” just because they aren’t falling apart. We need to teach them how to feel, express, and connect.
This moment, with rising awareness and shifting norms, allows us to course-correct by raising boys who become emotionally grounded, relationally skilled, and genuinely resilient men.
And that benefits everyone.
Scott Galloway has done impressive work bringing this issue to large audiences, which can be challenging, given the controversial nature of advocating for young men. I hope, though, that with careful examination of the issue, the intentions of advocates, and the real societal benefits, this can be discussed, researched, and addressed alongside even more efforts to support minorities and women. This shouldn’t be an either/or, it should be a both/and.
If you’re a parent, educator, or leader interested in supporting boys’ emotional development, I’d love to hear from you.
Have questions or ready to take the first step?
Call (646) 693-3760 — or reach out below.
Discover more about the American Institute for Boys and Men, a non-partisan research institute committed to advancing objective, evidence-based policies. The organization focuses on critical issues impacting the health, education, and overall well-being of boys and men—including the distinct challenges faced by Black boys and men in today’s society.
Frequently asked questions
- Why might emotional difficulties be missed in high-achieving boys and men?
Achievement can sometimes mask emotional distress. A child or adult may appear successful, disciplined, or confident while privately struggling with loneliness, shame, insecurity, or difficulty connecting with others. Looking beyond external performance is important when assessing emotional well-being. - Why does anger sometimes show up when someone is experiencing other emotions?
Anger can be easier to express or socially accepted than emotions such as sadness, fear, shame, or hurt. When someone has not learned how to recognize or communicate those underlying emotions, distress may instead emerge as irritability, frustration, or anger. - Why is it important to talk about boys’ emotional development?
Boys’ emotional development can have lasting effects on how they navigate relationships, work, parenting, and stress as adults. When boys learn that emotions or vulnerability are signs of weakness, they may have fewer opportunities to develop the skills needed to identify, express, and manage difficult emotions. - What can parents do to support boys’ emotional development?
Parents can create opportunities for boys to talk about emotions without immediately trying to fix, dismiss, or minimize them. Modeling emotional expression, helping children name what they are feeling, validating their experiences, and teaching healthy ways to cope can all support emotional development.
Last Updated: 8/21/2026